Joe

okay so if there is one thing that anybody knows about me, its that i have a tendency to let things build up inside of me for so long that i finally crack. well i have taken on a new practice where probably about one weekend a month, i take a weekend to be with myself and find the best way to shed as many tears as i can. well this weekend i rented season two of greys anatomy, ate chinese food, and ate chocolate while wrapped in warm blankets....that is when i wasnt working.

anyhow it is nearing the end of my weekend of self pity and induldgence and i just saw an episode of greys anatomy i dont remember seeing before. one part of the episode deals with a teenager losing her mother. the mother insists on lying about how bad it is, but eventually gives in and tells her daughter about her inevitable death, and takes this opportunity to impart upon her the tips only a mother could pass on to her daughter.

my mom and i might not have always gotten along. usually it was because i was hormonal or she was getting needy, but mostly it has been good as of late. she really is the best thing i have in life, my best friend. i dont really know what id do if i lost her but yeah.

so thinking about this let me get some tears out. ive also decided i need to open up more. so be ready to see some changes in the near future.

well my enviornment at school has yet to improve. im still living in a house full of people i dont like, possibly hate even (although there are a couple people who arent bad people), im still fat, still gay, and still waiting for things to improve. i got called a "stupid gay" the other day and i was just so bothered by it i almost cried. i have never had that happen to me directly. sure you can cut my breaks and just piss me off, but walk up to my back, call me stupid and gay, and im gonna cry? what sense does that make? but anywho i might be moving into the dorm where i lived last year which isnt such a bad thing but i was really hoping to be able to move off campus away from the bullshit. it honestly has just gotten to the point where i want to start my own land that is based around people i like. the rulers of my planet would include Al Gore (the only politician i fully respect) and a few of my professors like Dr. Wise and family, Dr. Moroco and family, Heather Balas and family including sister, and a couple others. living there i would allow a few family members such as my brother and my mother, a couple aunts and uncles, and my grandparents. i would also invite my friends like faythe, kristia, vince, pat, alan, josh, nicole, reese, and amanda along with their friends and family. it would be run for the true betterment of everyone giving everyone power and love and provide them with all the means to be happy. but considering i dont have the money to pay my credit card bills, i highly doubt i could afford to purchase a planet. its fun to dream though right?

Well the christmas break of my junior year is now drawn to a close, but I’m not ready to say goodbye to these memories. A new year means a new life for me. This year will bring a lot of change including my surgery, two possibly three of my best friends will be moving away, and I will finally have to buckle down and take responsibility. Adulthood is calling. But this break was a good getaway from all that reality. A recently rekindled relationship hit an all time high as I feel we are even closer than we were before, and I got to have the same good ole times with two of the best people in my life. During my random days off from my monotonous work I was able to spend time with three of the most special people in my life and I want to thank them for that. I was talking to another one of my friends when he mentioned that he doesn’t need a lot of people in his life to get by. He only wants a handful of people he trusts and that’s all. I was fortunate enough to have more than just a handful. While I don’t act like it at times, all of my friends are important to me and while I may not be uber wealthy or in a loving and super sexy courtship, I have my friends with me. This grew apparent as a few things happened to different people in my life. These different hardships awoke me to the fact that I have a plethora of friends as a support system and that’s what’s most important. When I can be strong enough, one of my other friends will wake me up and help me bear my weight. Its something that just recently came to mind. I wouldn’t be here without these people who care about me.

And now that I’m in hell I can’t appreciate being around people I trust more. Right now I live with a bunch of people who sold me out to the cops and are now trying to drive me out of the house. Its hard but I’m just waiting until my friend gets an apartment and im going to move in with him. Hopefully its not long now. I don’t have a place to live where I feel safe. If I could, I would quit school right now and go home. I could work, hang out with my friends, and get healthy. Sleep in my own bed where my mom does my laundry, washes and cooks. I miss being home and its taken me almost two and a half years to feel that after I moved to college. I think its partially because I have always been able to keep myself in a good situation, but now that my life here sux, I want to go home. I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future, but I know right now I miss home.

So ive finally realized the true caliber of people my family is. Mostly my sister and brother. My mother and father are set in their ways leaving nothing that I can do, but my brother and sister are young and should have an open mind and heart. But, like usual I am wrong. As many know the US open was today…and a guy from argentina won. My sister suddenly makes a huge deal out of them having to use a translator during the awards ceremony. So I told her that she shouldn’t have a problem with him not being able to speak English, he is visiting the country for a competition in hopes of winning some money. She then tells me that its not that, she just doesn’t “like foreigners”. I was overcome with anger that I screamed back at her calling her a racist bitch right in front of my grandparents. I felt bad to say something like that in front of them but I was so pissed. My brother also made a stupid comment just to make himself macho which indirectly cuts me down as a person. It was an innocent conversation about movies with him, me and my grandfather. My grandfather comments that he doesn’t like chick flicks which is fine but then my brother says that he doesn’t believe a movie is worth watching unless somebody in it dies. Naturally I cut my brother down quickly but I just cant believe these are the people I’m living with. Its just a thought…now I need to sleep.

I know I don’t often write blog entries, however I’ve done some major thinking about something I want everyone to think about. It’s about my upcoming surgery. As most of you know I have started the process of getting a gastric bypass surgery. Basically they take my stomach and separate most of it away allowing only a small part to still be of use to me. In the end this will allow me to lose massive amounts of weight and get rid of a number of medical problems my super morbidly obese case can cause. While many of my friends have been all for me getting this surgery, even more have asked me why. It’s not out of rudeness, it’s just people think this is way too drastic and that I need to rethink wanting this surgery. This blog entry goes out to those of you who think this way, but still love me. Hopefully I can put into words some of my thoughts that are just too hard for me to verbalize, and for those of you who know me know I don’t verbalize things well. I want to start out with some of the obvious things to say as to why I would want this surgery. To begin with, I’m borderline diabetic showing signs of insulin resistance, I have sleep apnea which at this point goes undiagnosed, and I always feel generally uncomfortable. Now let me share with you the reasons that I don’t talk about. Toilet seats generally aren’t large enough for me to sit on and being so large it makes it hard to wipe my own ass without performing moves one might think to see in a yoga magazine making my hygiene something of a problem sometimes. Even some bathrooms I don’t fit into, especially if it’s a small one. I don’t mean to gross you out and I know some of this is just stuff you don’t want to know, but that’s it for personal things. Now, onto more of the trivial things. Desks with connected chairs are simply out of the question, some are so bad that I often have to squeeze myself into them with only half my ass on the seat, and many major organs being readjusted. Auditorium seating is never a good thing for me, making some of my classes very uncomfortable, and keeping me from enjoying something I used to love, the theater. Baseball stadiums simply just don’t make big enough seats just like other sports venues. I have to be careful about which car I buy, because some I just don’t fit into. I was recently given a car by my grandparents, yet I have to lie about driving it because the fact of the matter is, I just don’t fit inside it. I get lucky if I’m in the car with a friend and their seat belt is large enough to fit around me. I can never even think about flying in a plane, not because I fear tipping the plane off balance, but because the seats are too small for even one foot and I have to ask the flight attendant for an extra seatbelt, not to mention most of my body sits into the next seat making it very uncomfortable for the next passenger. I have to be careful about which restaurants I go to because I have to be sure they have chairs and table seating and not just booth seating being as I just wont fit. Also any time a chair has arms its very rare I will fit into it keeping me from sitting on most porch furniture, rocking chairs, dining room chairs with arms and some computer chairs. I’ve broken hammocks and beach chairs and wont even go near those white plastic chairs or swinging chairs. Amusement parks are no fun for me because most of the time the handle bar won’t go down far enough or the seat isn’t big enough. Movie theaters hardly ever have large enough seats for meI sweat profusely and I can’t control it. I tire easily, and my feet just don’t carry me far enough without hurting. It’s really hard for me to go through life worrying about everything I do. This list doesn’t even dent half the things I worry about; there is also the mental aspect. Children just don’t know any better, spouting off things like “whoa that kid’s huge!” or “look how big that guy is!”. Often while sitting in restaurants that I can fit at, I get looks from people who obviously think I don’t need to eat. Fast food restaurants are the same. But I’m tired of being self conscious. The stares of confusion and hate come from old and young people alike and I’m done with it. It’s too hard for me to deal with anymore so finally I want to be able to fix my problem. I am getting the surgery for me because I need a change and fast. I live a drastic life, which can only be changed by a drastic move. Super morbidly obese? No, that’s not who I am, I’m Joe, and I want people to start seeing that, and even though I am larger than life, I don’t need to be so literally.

i really dont know what to write in this entry. things are getting good, and some things are getting bad. i really dont know how to feel at this point. i mean, i could have a significant other lined up but i kinda dont at the same time. its really complicated. i also had a lot happen around me this past week. a lot of my friends had pain to deal with and i feel very sorry for that. i really wish i could help everyone, but sometimes its just not possible.



...fuck it just kidding, my life sux, i give up!

i suppose this is the last post i will make while im at home...and it really sux. right now i have this pit in my stomach because a. i have too much shit to do before i leave tomorrow, and b. because im really gonna miss my friends. i think i actually might cry. i have too much comfort here at home, and im gonna miss that at school i think...as crazy as my family has driven me, i dont honestly think im ready to leave. the summer went by too quickly. im going to miss my friends from work, faythe, kristia, and pat, and im gonna miss all the people that i didnt get to reconnect with this summer. im going to miss my sugar, my dear cat who has grown really close to me this summer. nobody else does she adore like me. its going to be quite a change not having someone to come and crawl into bed with me and pur me to sleep. im going to miss causing drama at work with the food ave staff (ie pissing off ken). my privacy is going to be a long lost friend. i can no longer just go to my room and sit in complete solace or mastrubate at any time in the day for that matter. but most of all im going to miss my dear companions. faythe, pat, and kristia became even closer to me than before, even though it seemed impossible to grow stronger. i just may never be able to have the best of both worlds, my closest friends, and my independance. anyhow i dont know where this post is going so im just going to leave it at that. good night to all, and farewell to those close to me.

all is lost

well today was normal. i was harassed by my brother and sister, had 2 little children make fun of my weight in kohls, and got home only to realize i needed to clean my room and do emails with my mom. but i got to my room and went through my mail and found a slip of paper with a yahoo group my aunt suggested i visited, being i plan on getting my bypass surgery next summer. i looked at before and after pictures and got hope, but i decided to look at the files sectino in the group. i found an entire 70 slide power point on gastric bypass surgery. and i came to the slide that spoke of results. then my eyes fell upon a line that stated i will lose 80% of my excess weight. at that point i just started to cry. i cried so hard i couldnt believe it. and i realized why i was crying. this hell of my life is about to end. i wont be like this forever. my dreams will come true. this past year was really hard for me. but it is all soon over. no matter how much i lost, i will gain so much more. well thats all for now, im heading to bed. wish me luck!

survey question thing
1. Who is the last person you high-fived? mary

2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive? um i wouldnt go, hello, dont ask dont tell? id tell every fucking person i could until i got home safely

3. Do you sleep with the TV on? quite often

4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton? yea

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee? no, this teacher used to hate me, so he gave me the hardest word, vacuum, what 3rd grade child knows it has two u's?

7. How fast can you type? pretty fast, and i dont even have to look

8. Are you afraid of the dark? when im alone and sad im afraid of everything

9. Eye color? seductive chocolate (brown)

11. When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower? this morning actually, i felt indulgent

12. Do you knock on wood? yes

13. Are you drinking anything right now? water and blood, i bit my tongue

14. how long can you hold your breath? as long as it takes to get rid of the person choking me

15. Can you hoola hoop? not sure if i fit into a hoola hoop anymore, just playing

16. Are you good at keeping secrets? depending on the secret but most likely yes

17. What do you want for Christmas? a sex change

18. Do you know the Muffin Man? simply put, i ate his muffin, it was good

19. Do you talk in your sleep? i do, but mostly i laugh in my sleep, pretty creepy

20. Who wrote the book of love? my rectum, what a stupid question!

21. Have you ever flown a kite? haha at first i thought it said kitten, needless to say, no, i have never flown a kitten

24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell? 150....holy shit

23. Have you ever asked someone for a pony? yeah, so i could fuck it in the ass, i want kinky kelly

26. Plans for tomorrow? driving to hermitage

28. Missing someone now? school friends and my future roomie

31. How are you feeling today? chaffed

32. Are you black? i think part of my rectum still might be black from my last sex-capade

33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? no, i actually behaved in school...

34. What are you looking forward to? going back to school

35. Have you ever crawled through a window? no, not since gore invented the door

37. Have you ever eaten dog food? when i was little, i was dared to, and i threw it all up too

38. Can you handle the truth? when it doesnt make me sad, so basically no

39. Do you like green eggs and ham? i burned that book when i was five, i fucking hate it

40. What 3 things you always bring w/ you to places? buick, keys, and camera

41. Any cool scars? i have one across my hand from a month ago when i sliced my hand open with a box cutter

43. How many kids do you plan on having? none, if i can help it

44. What do you do when no one is watching? truthfully, pick my nose and wipe it on my pants

45. Have you ever been in love? yes, but love never lasts

46. Do you talk to yourself? a lot...probably more than healthy

47. Is there something you want that you can't have? a cabana boy

49. Who are you thinking of right now? sandra bullock

50. Who did you last hug? i dont hug people, i kill them

52. Where is your phone? on my knee

53. What was the last thing you ate? a egg salad sandwich

54. Favorite Color? blood red

55. What is the last movie watched? mr and mrs smith like five minutes ago

56. What song do you currently hear? im singing the andy milinaukis theme

57. What do you want? to be desired

59. What TV Show are you watching? not, i hate tv

60. What is your cell phone number? 724-316-7651